One and a half years ago -- when I was too busy studying for tests to write (ha) -- I told myself that once AP tests were over I'd get back to writing. My AP tests came and went, yet I did not resume my writing. My high school graduation fell upon me but I didn't capitalize on any of that stuff called emotions and write a single line of poetry; I didn't write during the brief respite before I started packing my life into boxes for the move out to Washington -- even when long forgotten memories made an appearance in the form of ties I wore to dances or doodles drawn in the corner of my biology notes. Not long after, most everything I'd known in the first 18 years of my life became nothing more than a fading horizon in my rear view mirror.
I, oh yes, I was a soon-to-be college freshman and nothing in the world could scare me... Until the night before move-in happened. To my utter and complete amazement, life, the real world, and my own inhibitions hit me like a sack of alarm clocks fired from a high powered water cannon. Drenched in my own excitement, anxiety, optimism and misgivings I somehow made it through my first few weeks of college as most college students somehow do: hyped up on caffeine while drowning themselves in new people, new clubs, new classes, Halo 4, Angry-German music, and exploring the new freedoms of living away from their parents -- all just to keep their mind off how someone as stupid as them could possibly think they belong in this academic world of people far more intelligent than them.
As time went on I found a group of friends and started to fall into a comfortable routine of class, schoolwork, YouTube, Doctor Who, sleep, repeat and, on rare occasions, venturing beyond the confines of my dorm room to try those crepes or Russian dumplings I'd heard so much about. Classes too became easier and less stressful with each passing week.
While many of my fellow freshman found enjoyment in getting drunk in a crowded apartment where nobody knows you and no one would remember you anyway, I became a moderately content, introverted student, finding happiness in reading, YouTube, and even a little writing. Still, at the back of my mind discomfort lingered; I somehow thought I was incompetent and too stupid for college. I pushed it down, though, and simply set to work on my next six hour Calculus assignment or five page paper.
I attempted NaNoWriMo and managed to balance 39,204 words with classes and homework before I was dealt one of the shittiest hands in the history of a college freshman. I was feeling confident I'd win NaNoWriMo, having just broken 39,000 words the weekend of Thanksgiving. The day I got back to school, though, I got a call from my dad saying my grandfather had just passed away. Being so far away it didn't seem real at first. I felt sad, yes, but the grief didn't really hit me. All my other insecurities did: the pent up feelings of incompetence, a three hour Calculus exam, finals in two weeks. All this in addition to the first major loss in my life made that week after Thanksgiving a struggle. I coped, though. I made plans to get back to Minnesota for the funeral, I studied the best I could for my Calculus exam and tried to focus on one thing I needed to get done at a time. Very slowly, though, it sunk in that I just lost my grandfather -- a grandfather who always found his greatest joy and pride in his grandchildren and made us his highest priority at the many Christmas and Easter gatherings, school concerts and plays, weekend visits and family reunions, never forgetting to bring his many quirks I found so endearing and an endless stream of stories. I began to feel down but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. That is, until the five page honors paper I hadn't started yet was due in 24 hours. At ten o'clock the night before it was due I began to experience minor panic attacks and by midnight I couldn't even look at the Word document let alone think about writing three more pages without shaking uncontrollably and feeling like my head and throat were collapsing in on themselves like some old building that had just been dynamited. I called home and between many tears my mother helped me calm down and decide that the best thing to do was try to forget about school for the moment, email my honors professor and ask for an extension on the paper. Even so, I didn't get much sleep that night. But I lived through it.
With many tears, hugs, stories, and laughs I made it through my grandfather's funeral and -- with more tears, an emergency nine o'clock pm ride to Mom's house, a lot of encouragement, hot chocolate and hard work -- made it through my finals, specifically, the two three-page papers for my honors class.
Though Winter Break provided respite from my worries, it did not dissipate all the apprehensions left over from Fall quarter. In the days leading up to re-move-in, I again suffered from small panic attacks and couldn't stop worrying about homework I didn't even have yet, in particular, the first paper I'd have to write for my next honors class. The first few days were hard -- much harder than the first few days of Fall quarter. But through the process of finding ways to cope with the stress I found a new group of friends -- a group of people that accepted me into their friend circle and made me feel like I fit in when most everyone else had already found their niche by the fourth week of the previous quarter. While a friend group I felt comfortable with was helpful, it wasn't enough; I decided to get some counseling. I came out of my first session with the desire to not only control the stress in my life to prevent another breakdown but to understand the stress that inevitably will invade my mind and body no matter how much I prepare for it. The only way to do that was to understand myself.
The honors class that at first was so stressful soon became an aid to philosophical thought, introspective thinking and my favorite class of Winter quarter. In addition to trying to understand my mind I took up climbing and swimming laps in an attempt to understand my body. With the development of good habits and a fresh view of the world, school, and myself I made Winter and Spring quarters some of the most fun and rewarding moments of my school career thus far. It wasn't always easy but I worked hard and took life one thing at a time, all the while developing an appreciation of self. I do what brings me happiness, and if that includes other people so much the better, but if what I want to do on a Friday night is plop my butt down with a good book and cup of tea, well, by golly that's what I'll do. Even those activities that are frustrating and taxing -- like de-bugging a program or rock climbing -- provide their own brand of happiness; the euphoria when I finally get a program to work or finally ascended that route I'd been working on for a week is worth it.
I attempted NaNoWriMo and managed to balance 39,204 words with classes and homework before I was dealt one of the shittiest hands in the history of a college freshman. I was feeling confident I'd win NaNoWriMo, having just broken 39,000 words the weekend of Thanksgiving. The day I got back to school, though, I got a call from my dad saying my grandfather had just passed away. Being so far away it didn't seem real at first. I felt sad, yes, but the grief didn't really hit me. All my other insecurities did: the pent up feelings of incompetence, a three hour Calculus exam, finals in two weeks. All this in addition to the first major loss in my life made that week after Thanksgiving a struggle. I coped, though. I made plans to get back to Minnesota for the funeral, I studied the best I could for my Calculus exam and tried to focus on one thing I needed to get done at a time. Very slowly, though, it sunk in that I just lost my grandfather -- a grandfather who always found his greatest joy and pride in his grandchildren and made us his highest priority at the many Christmas and Easter gatherings, school concerts and plays, weekend visits and family reunions, never forgetting to bring his many quirks I found so endearing and an endless stream of stories. I began to feel down but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. That is, until the five page honors paper I hadn't started yet was due in 24 hours. At ten o'clock the night before it was due I began to experience minor panic attacks and by midnight I couldn't even look at the Word document let alone think about writing three more pages without shaking uncontrollably and feeling like my head and throat were collapsing in on themselves like some old building that had just been dynamited. I called home and between many tears my mother helped me calm down and decide that the best thing to do was try to forget about school for the moment, email my honors professor and ask for an extension on the paper. Even so, I didn't get much sleep that night. But I lived through it.
With many tears, hugs, stories, and laughs I made it through my grandfather's funeral and -- with more tears, an emergency nine o'clock pm ride to Mom's house, a lot of encouragement, hot chocolate and hard work -- made it through my finals, specifically, the two three-page papers for my honors class.
Though Winter Break provided respite from my worries, it did not dissipate all the apprehensions left over from Fall quarter. In the days leading up to re-move-in, I again suffered from small panic attacks and couldn't stop worrying about homework I didn't even have yet, in particular, the first paper I'd have to write for my next honors class. The first few days were hard -- much harder than the first few days of Fall quarter. But through the process of finding ways to cope with the stress I found a new group of friends -- a group of people that accepted me into their friend circle and made me feel like I fit in when most everyone else had already found their niche by the fourth week of the previous quarter. While a friend group I felt comfortable with was helpful, it wasn't enough; I decided to get some counseling. I came out of my first session with the desire to not only control the stress in my life to prevent another breakdown but to understand the stress that inevitably will invade my mind and body no matter how much I prepare for it. The only way to do that was to understand myself.
The honors class that at first was so stressful soon became an aid to philosophical thought, introspective thinking and my favorite class of Winter quarter. In addition to trying to understand my mind I took up climbing and swimming laps in an attempt to understand my body. With the development of good habits and a fresh view of the world, school, and myself I made Winter and Spring quarters some of the most fun and rewarding moments of my school career thus far. It wasn't always easy but I worked hard and took life one thing at a time, all the while developing an appreciation of self. I do what brings me happiness, and if that includes other people so much the better, but if what I want to do on a Friday night is plop my butt down with a good book and cup of tea, well, by golly that's what I'll do. Even those activities that are frustrating and taxing -- like de-bugging a program or rock climbing -- provide their own brand of happiness; the euphoria when I finally get a program to work or finally ascended that route I'd been working on for a week is worth it.
I've learned to not be afraid of what lies a mile ahead of me and instead focus on what is at my feet; it is only by one step at a time that we as human beings may traverse great distances.
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When I started writing this post I intended to cover everything from the end of my senior year of high school to the present. As I kept writing and writing and writing, though, I realized it was becoming far too long for a single post -- and I haven't even gotten to the sonnet! -- so I decided to break it up into two posts.
This is obviously a transition post for me. I'd like to transition from this being just a blog of poetry and more a blog of my life, thoughts, and experiences, which is more of what I intended when I originally created the blog but I fell into focusing just on the poetry. My journals will probably not be this extensive in the future but I'm definitely going to try to do more of it than I previously did, even if I don't have a sonnet to accompany it. It is my hope that by doing so I will get into the habit of writing a little bit each day.
I appreciate you having read this far and I only ask that you bear with me a little while longer so as to allow me to introduce the sonnet. It is the sonnet I wrote in the first few weeks of my freshman year -- the first sonnet I'd finished since before graduation. As a part of the "getting to know your floor mates" process, we were all asked to put something up on the bulletin board that describes who we are using the acronym SIVS (no it's not a disease). It stands for Skills, Interests, Values, Strengths and this is what I wrote:
SIVS
Like pleasant murmurs heard from humblest rill,
Regard such discourse that which I observe;
Peripheral voice in silence speaking still
With skill and care, for that what's said preserve.
Expanding knowledge -- this is my pursuit;
Of land, of lore and more, of me, of thee,
I'll learn such forms from those far more astute.
Reveal perspectives few would deign to see.
Conflagrant suns emit creative light
Upheld by values deep engrained. Should dark
Pernicious clouds obscure this inward sight
A runnel new shall wash away the blight. Hark!
Amidst all these, a multitude of strengths --
Conviction. Aye, for this I'd go great lengths.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liked my writing or blogging skills? Didn't like them?
Leave some feedback and let me know why! I'm always seeking to improve.
Thanks for reading!
Unpublished material, ©2013 Neal Digre
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I started writing this post I intended to cover everything from the end of my senior year of high school to the present. As I kept writing and writing and writing, though, I realized it was becoming far too long for a single post -- and I haven't even gotten to the sonnet! -- so I decided to break it up into two posts.
This is obviously a transition post for me. I'd like to transition from this being just a blog of poetry and more a blog of my life, thoughts, and experiences, which is more of what I intended when I originally created the blog but I fell into focusing just on the poetry. My journals will probably not be this extensive in the future but I'm definitely going to try to do more of it than I previously did, even if I don't have a sonnet to accompany it. It is my hope that by doing so I will get into the habit of writing a little bit each day.
I appreciate you having read this far and I only ask that you bear with me a little while longer so as to allow me to introduce the sonnet. It is the sonnet I wrote in the first few weeks of my freshman year -- the first sonnet I'd finished since before graduation. As a part of the "getting to know your floor mates" process, we were all asked to put something up on the bulletin board that describes who we are using the acronym SIVS (no it's not a disease). It stands for Skills, Interests, Values, Strengths and this is what I wrote:
SIVS
Like pleasant murmurs heard from humblest rill,
Regard such discourse that which I observe;
Peripheral voice in silence speaking still
With skill and care, for that what's said preserve.
Expanding knowledge -- this is my pursuit;
Of land, of lore and more, of me, of thee,
I'll learn such forms from those far more astute.
Reveal perspectives few would deign to see.
Conflagrant suns emit creative light
Upheld by values deep engrained. Should dark
Pernicious clouds obscure this inward sight
A runnel new shall wash away the blight. Hark!
Amidst all these, a multitude of strengths --
Conviction. Aye, for this I'd go great lengths.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liked my writing or blogging skills? Didn't like them?
Leave some feedback and let me know why! I'm always seeking to improve.
Thanks for reading!
Unpublished material, ©2013 Neal Digre
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